sweet affliction
by Dead-bY-n0w
Summary: -it's not easy to love him, but he isn't the one to deny taking what she's throwing at him for free. KaiHil.


**sweet affliction**

* * *

_._

_"You don't fucking know anything about me."_

.

infuriated ruby red eyes_  
_

.  
**  
a.  
**  
he's running in a direction he thinks she went in; against the sound of his footsteps splashing through puddles, against the loudness of the thoughts that are echoing in his own head that he cannot make sense of-

he can't recall how it started this time, and he sure as fucking hell _despises _himself for letting it end with her turning on her heels and speeding off in the middle–she's never run away before and, in the name of all the deities in the world, he wishes he could change how he was too pissed for his own good and her own good, that he didn't follow her the very second, because it's dawn and she never came home since-

he can't recall how it started this time- but he remembers noting the throatiness in her voice from in between the sentences she was shouting, and he remembers the all too familiar blood rush of losing control, and he remembers hoping that the words exchanged weren't true and he remembers red eyes-  
_  
-tears that fell like waterfall  
_  
-he's turning a corner, coming to a halt to glaze his orbs over the crowd for a flash of that familiar orange (damn orange) in the masses of black umbrella's and burgundy raincoats, and he curses because she isn't there, and he's a fucking -

"Fuck."

he's putting a hand around the brick walls of the building he's rounding, because he can't keep his balance and all he can think of are shipwrecks because he feels like one because she's fucking pulled one of his own moves, and it's dawn and she never turned up home since and there's a thunderstorm, and he's almost drowning in his own worry and -

-and he's finding out what it's like to be left behind all over again

**.**

(One day, Kai-)

**.**

when he's sitting on an old couch in the middle of their new apartment, and she's saying something along the lines of 'this isn't much, but it's home', and he keeps hearing shuffles as she moves the taped up boxes, the plastic Tupperware, and there's something incredibly delicious-smelling in the kitchen – he realizes that he feels a kind of reignited warmth inside of him, one that he recalls feeling from before his world became a wreck as a child, and, if not anything else, he knows for sure that the sensation has nothing to do with the weather.

**_._**

_"-it's all over, now. You cannot keep living this way. Something has to give-"_

a flash of orange-

_"It doesn't work like that, Hiromi."  
_  
frown.

roll of two red orbs.

he tenses.

_"You don't know what I've been through."_

**_._**

_"You don't fucking know anything about me."_

**.**

**b.**

it's five AM and her last words to him are still echoing inside of his head, how those dark red eyes overflowed with the hurt that he loathes himself for causing – so when he sees a mass of brown and orange under that bridge where they had their first kiss, he is feeling no ounce of the anticipated rage, (because he's a fucktard and he knows it, but she should know better than to spend an entire night under a bridge in a park) but an overwhelming relief instead – four hours and he's drenched to the bone searching for her, and was near ready to call up the police, or maybe even Tyson, because he was a shipwreck with worry and he would've hung his head through a noose if-

His feet are carrying him near, and if she hears him over the sound of the rain, she doesn't look up from the ground and he spends a few moments taking her in –and hates himself for _breaking _her over the years with who he is, and what he does, and the words he ends up saying.

and he knows he's not meant to love, but he loves her more than he's ever loved anybody, and maybe doesn't realize (doesn't want to) how his all isn't enough; she deserves more than half words, mumbled sentences, vague nightmares and lonely nights – and he understands that, and often contemplates leaving because he's toxic for her, he's taking her piece by piece and returning it black as charcoal and she's _taking _it but-

_-everything is wrong without you_

-he doesn't have in him the strength to let her go

**.**

little fists pushing him away when he tries to near

**.**

tattoo's is the word he's looking for –he opens his drawer one day and finds her clothes folded messily over his, and all he can think of when he slips his head through one of his shirts are _tattoo's _ -because she's inked permanently onto his skin through a gradual, painful process, and has become this slowly-growing part of his personality –and he dares not imagine himself without her on his dermal cells, because when he does, he feels like a storybook with the last few pages of happy endings torn out.

**_._**

_"And I'm getting fucking tired of trying, Kai."_

.

**c.**

he isn't apologizing.

she's staring down at all-too familiar shoes, utterly drenched as if they'd been out all night, and she doesn't dare look up because she knows she's lost the moment she does- and she should feel sorry that he's spent an entire night searching for her but she's not.

and she should be angry too but she's not.

she's plain fucking tired and she yearns for his warmth, wants to go home and pull her covers over herself, so she can pretend he didn't tell her so many hours ago how she knows nothing about him (and how that is very likely true) and how, after seven years of knowing each other and two of living together, she might just have had enough -

but she doesn't move –she won't even blink and she's so fucking _exhausted _-

he isn't apologizing and she doesn't expect him to because, in the end, he's Kai Hiwatari and pride is his only best friend and she's trying hard not to end up crying, she's trying harder not to turn on her heels again and she's definitely trying her hardest not to think about what happened but if there's anything she's learned from him, it's to accept hard cold defeat and-

**.**

(One day, Kai-)

**.**

And I'm fucking tired of trying-

to know-

-to feel

-_"I'm here and it's over."_

-to push and push and push when all you _ever_ want to do is push back with a strength I cannot compete with.

**.**

**d.  
**  
it's not easy to love him.

she scoffs when people tell her how lucky she is to be where so many women would kill to be –coming home to Kai Hiwatari, as if he were a freshly prepped dessert ready to be devoured; to have the icy mountains around his heart melted enough that she rests in bed more than just soundly next to him, and he lets her.

she scoffs but says nothing about how the lights in their home where he sits are almost always on a black out, says nothing about the occasional empty bottles, and the many lonely nights where she feels the need to find rest (but not really) in the room across of theirs because he wakes up agitated and won't tell her why, the many time he leaves her sleeping to do the same too –

she doesn't say how silence is a language in its own in their house, and how she's too weak to break it, doesn't have the strength to hammer through the cemented sculptures around where his heart is.

-she scoffs when people tell her how lucky she is to be where so many women would kill to be –and doesn't mention how she sometimes wishes she hadn't fallen for someone the likes of him, whose carefully carved ice isn't something the warmth inside of her has the strength to melt.

-but she has fallen, and time proves it consistently, and love isn't something you chose to give but she wishes it were, because, maybe –just maybe- it'd be easier to for her to love if she's not busy breaking every time she's giving it away over and over and over and over again.

.  
**  
e.  
**  
she's standing in the doorway, she's unbuttoning his shirt, and in between kisses she's murmuring of the days he hopes he never has to see-

and he wants to say he's sorry, and he wants to tell her he'll change (anything, _anything _to get her to stay because he knows she's cursing her stars for colliding the celestial bodies of theirs that only seem to wreck havoc wherever they go) and to beg if the need be, because Hiromi Tachibana is a woman of her words but, between the way she grips his collar desperately with both her hands, pulls him in to access his lips better, the words somehow get lost and they're at it again in their warm home, with bottles from the night before still in the corner, leftovers still on the dining table -

_-I don't want to be alone  
_  
-till all he can feel is her skin against his own, and hair between his fingers – soft and messy and wild and oh-so untamed that he's reminded of that clad-in-pink, paranoid little girl he met seven years ago and, like so many times before, he's wondering if maybe there's hope after all.

**.**

("One day, Kai-")

"Come home."

He's kneeling in front of her, he's putting his hand on hers, "Please."

("-I'll grow so tired of loving you-")_  
_  
"Hiromi."

("-that I'll let this go and not even regret it.")

**.**

Let's start all over again.

**.**

* * *

**note**

prompts: #rentinghouses #onsharingclosets #onagainoffagainrelationship #songfic

songs: **a. **Come Home by Matthew Ryans (this originally started as a songfic to this song but then-)**b. **Crazy Ever After by The Rescues (this song kept coming to me while I was writing what was originally supposed to be a songfic to Come Home by Ryans and it all evolved into Sweet Afflictoin) **c.** The World Is by Matthew Ryans (I was meant to write an onagainoffagain songfic to this song, and incorporated this into Sweet Affliction, too O.o) **d. **Highway Don't Care by Tim McGraw ft Taylor Swift and **e. **Come back to bed by John Mayer and **f. **Let her go by Passenger (the latter three, just to get me in the mood).

According to fanfiction, I've moved to Iceland. Is it just happening to me, or is everyone getting told by fanfiction EVERY time they log in that, no, you do NOT live where you claim you live, you live –moves to a location that isn't even ALPHABETICALLY close to your resident country- HERE. And every time I log in, despite the fact that I change my country to Pakistan REPEATEDLY- I'm told I live in Iceland.

Hellos from Iceland then.

Aside from this, loads and loads of love to KHL, who's pretty and kinda hawt and my wifey (from another lifey – sighs-) and, oh –she also BETA-ed this fic.

I tried my hands at something new again. I am currently clapping for myself, because I wrote this in a short time and it's different and I covered a multiple topics/prompts in it and that makes me happy. But, I'm also very very nervous about how it might seem coming from me –because I've never attempted such a messy, free-verse-ish writing before so-

Anyways, signing off now. Take care, everyone ^.^


End file.
